Laughable Moments AKA "$hit My Kid Says"

Viv is Unimpressed

The other day our darling daughter approached me and asked “What did people even TALK about before I came out of your belly?” [insert guffawing mama here] This led me to think about so many of the funny conversations she’s had with Mike and I. While there was certainly never a loss for topics before she “came out of my belly.” She certainly has brought a whole new level of unintentional humor into our home :)

Here are some of my faves, which, thanks to Facebook, I had a running record of! I knew all those status updates would come in handy one day!

Viv: "Daddy, I have to tell you something."

Mike: "What?"

Viv: "You're a boy, so you have a penis!"

Mike: "Um. thanks for letting me know…"

Viv: "You are VERY welcome!"

"My foots are dancin'!"

Viv: "What does 'car' start with?"

Me: "It starts with a 'C'"

Viv: "NO! It starts with a KEY!"

(Discussing preschool that day)

Me: "did you make sure to share?"

Viv: "Why, what did you hear?

Me: "Um, *should* I have heard something?"

Viv: "uhhhhh... no?”

Viv: "Thank you for the grape juice, mommy."
Me: "Thank You for having such good manners."
Viv: "Don't thank me, thank daddy."

(When asked about her art at the pretend art show we set up):

"Look at all the arts you see'd! If you believe what you believed, then you will see all the dance."

Viv: "I'm Princess Ariel!

Me: "Oh, whatch'ya doing Ariel?

Viv: "Nothing, just sittin' on my clam!"

Viv: "You have to say 'excuse me' when you toot?"

Me: "Yes, you do."

Viv: "Aaaand when you burp?"

Me: "Yes, and a variety of other things."

Viv: "And a variety of cake!"

Me: "Um..."

Viv: "Daddy's pooping"

Me: "Oh yeah?"
Viv: "Yeah, that means he's in the bathroom, so don't try to talk to him, okay? He wants privacy, and the door shut."
Me: "Is that what daddy says to you?"
Viv: "Yeah, a LOT”

After Viv asked me to "make her a word" with the alphabet chicken nuggets: 

Viv: What'sit say?

Me: Lets sound it out together..

"Puh" "Iiih" "Nnn" "Kuh"

Me: What does it spell?

Viv: INDIGO!"

Viv: "what's that?" 

Me: "a new toilet brush" 

Viv: "what's it do?" 

Me: "It cleans the potty!" 

Viv: "I thought daddy cleans the potty?"

Viv, pointing at a funnel at the Pick and Shovel: "haaaaaat!!"

Me: "That's called a funnel honey."

Viv(skeptically): "Well who's it fun for?"

"It's called a Christmas tree skirt so people know the tree's a lady."

(Looking at one of our photo albums):

"Is that the day I hatched out of your belly?"

(While playing office):

"Well mommy, we did it again... there's no business like work business. And at the end of the day, we get a sticker."

("Reading" a book to me):

"You should always put away toilet paper. There once was a girl who wanted to put away toilet paper. Her daddy said 'okay.' And then her mommy said 'alright.' So she did. And then there was a thing with feetsies that crawled BACK to the house. It was a baby. It growed to a big girl and lost aaaalll it's energy. And then lost her bones. She couldn't stand. She couldn't sit. She couldn't do anything without her bones. Her daddy said 'What happened to your bones? They were orange when I saw them in the sky.' She found her bones at a museum with a kookie slide. Oh wait, I skipped a page. So she found her bones and then she looked for her dream where she was princess. The end."

Viv: "When I hatched out of my egg, was I little?
Me: "What? Honey, remember we talked about how people-babies grow in their mommy's tummies until they are ready to be born."
Viv: "Oh. And *then* they hatch out of their eggs?"

Me: "Viv, Cinderella;s stepsisters are named Drizella and.... what is the name of the other one?"
Viv: "Latisha"

Viv: "How's the apples get mashed?" (applesauce)
Me: "It gets cooked and mashed in the kitchen at an applesauce factory."
Viv: "Who mashes up the milk?"
Me: "No one honey, milk comes from cows."
Viv: "It comes from a COW?! Does he mash it up, like, in his bum?!"

(As I arrived home):

Viv: "Hi mommy, can we play?"

Me: "What should we play?"

Viv: "Castle!"

Me: "Okay, I just need to change into some sweatpants or something first."

Viv: "How about something more princessy?"

Me: "What, like Lululemon?"

Viv: "is she a princess?"

Viv: "Why those boys have that doggie?"

Me: "Well, I think they own him honey."

Viv: "What's 'own' mean?"

Me: "You know how we have kitty cat? Well, that means they have doggie."

Viv: "AND we have a daddy!"

"What's a 'tough noogies'?"

Ahhh, I look forward to many more smile-worthy moments :)

8 "Facts" We Learned From Our Preschooler This Week

8 "Facts" We Learned From Our Preschooler This Week

1. FACT: "Only girls can go to cheese parties." We're not sure what a cheese party is, but I'm sad Mike will not be able to attend.Also, imitation cheddar is unacceptable, so don't even try.

2. FACT: Boobs are made of feathers. "That's how come they are kind of like pillows."

3. FACT: A Yoga mat is actually just a "fashiony runway" and a "royal princess carpet." Don't question her on this, she will demonstrate how to properly walk like a "fashiony" person, and will insist you follow suit.

4. FACT: The Easter Bunny, like many celebrities before him, has decided to re-brand himself with a one- name moniker. Instead of Peter Cottontail, this season he'll  be "Just Cottontail."

5. FACT: Mike's job is to "write about boy things."

6. FACT: China is "on the other side of the lake shaped like a ballerina."

7. FACT: Clearly, "You can wear a tutu, sunglasses, patent-leather shoes an no undies" is practically word for word the same thing as "Go put on something comfy for mommy and me yoga." Yes, if you're Paris Hilton. However, this "fact" is highly contested in our household, lol.

8. FACT:  It is possible to remember the precise location you lost a sticker in a department store 6 states away, a boo-boo from a year and a half ago, and every word of every line from 'Barbie and the 12 Dancing Princesses,' but impossible to remember what your mom asked you to do 3 seconds prior. According to preschooler law, all requests to do something must be repeated at least 6 times and submitted in writing with a cookie bribe 24 hours in advance.

:-) Ahhh, she teaches us so much! :)

Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day to all the wonderful dads out there, especially my own dad and my husband! In honor of father's day, I bring you my Top Five Fave TV Dads of All Time! In no specific order...

Jake Morgandorffer
Helen:"Honestly, Jake, sometimes I wonder if you know even the most rudimentary facts about our girls. How old is Quinn?”
Jake: “Uh, eleven. . . ish? That was a guesstimate.”
Helen: “Jake, what's my middle name?”
Jake: “It's got a "K," right?”





Jason Seaver
Jason: "Boner, is your voice coming from your armpit?"
'Boner' Stabone: "Yes."










Red Forman

Red: "I didn't want to insult him by offering him some nothing job."
Kitty: "Oh Red, you insult him every day."
Red: "That's different, he thinks I'm kidding."











Cliff Huxtable
"Dad is great! Gives us chocolate cake!














Mitchell and Cameron
Cameron: "I got all medieval on the florists."
Mitchell: "Cam, I heard you on the phone, you said you were displeased, but that’s hardly going medieval."
Cameron: "Excuse me, I said very displeased and I used my cowboy voice."