Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Laughable Moments AKA "$hit My Kid Says"

Viv is Unimpressed
The other day our darling daughter approached me and asked “What did people even TALK about before I came out of your belly?” [insert guffawing mama here] This led me to think about so many of the funny conversations she’s had with Mike and I. While there was certainly never a loss for topics before she “came out of my belly.” She certainly has brought a whole new level of unintentional humor into our home :)

Here are some of my faves, which, thanks to Facebook, I had a running record of! I knew all those status updates would come in handy one day!

Viv: "Daddy, I have to tell you something."
Mike: "What?"
Viv: "You're a boy, so you have a penis!"
Mike: "Um. thanks for letting me know…"
Viv: "You are VERY welcome!"

"My foots are dancin'!"

Viv: "What does 'car' start with?"
Me: "It starts with a 'C'"
Viv: "NO! It starts with a KEY!"

(Discussing preschool that day)
Me: "did you make sure to share?"
Viv: "Why, what did you hear?
Me: "Um, *should* I have heard something?"
Viv: "uhhhhh... no?”

Viv: "Thank you for the grape juice, mommy."
Me: "Thank You for having such good manners."
Viv: "Don't thank me, thank daddy."

(When asked about her art at the pretend art show we set up):
"Look at all the arts you see'd! If you believe what you believed, then you will see all the dance."

Viv: "I'm Princess Ariel!
Me: "Oh, whatch'ya doing Ariel?
Viv: "Nothing, just sittin' on my clam!"

Viv: "You have to say 'excuse me' when you toot?"
Me: "Yes, you do."
Viv: "Aaaand when you burp?"
Me: "Yes, and a variety of other things."
Viv: "And a variety of cake!"
Me: "Um..."

Viv: "Daddy's pooping"
Me: "Oh yeah?"
Viv: "Yeah, that means he's in the bathroom, so don't try to talk to him, okay? He wants privacy, and the door shut."
Me: "Is that what daddy says to you?"
Viv: "Yeah, a LOT”

After Viv asked me to "make her a word" with the alphabet chicken nuggets: 
Viv: What'sit say?
Me: Lets sound it out together..
"Puh" "Iiih" "Nnn" "Kuh"
Me: What does it spell?

Viv: "what's that?" 
Me: "a new toilet brush" 
Viv: "what's it do?" 
Me: "It cleans the potty!" 
Viv: "I thought daddy cleans the potty?"

Viv, pointing at a funnel at the Pick and Shovel: "haaaaaat!!"
Me: "That's called a funnel honey."
Viv(skeptically): "Well who's it fun for?"

"It's called a Christmas tree skirt so people know the tree's a lady."

(Looking at one of our photo albums):
"Is that the day I hatched out of your belly?"

(While playing office):
"Well mommy, we did it again... there's no business like work business. And at the end of the day, we get a sticker."

("Reading" a book to me):
"You should always put away toilet paper. There once was a girl who wanted to put away toilet paper. Her daddy said 'okay.' And then her mommy said 'alright.' So she did. And then there was a thing with feetsies that crawled BACK to the house. It was a baby. It growed to a big girl and lost aaaalll it's energy. And then lost her bones. She couldn't stand. She couldn't sit. She couldn't do anything without her bones. Her daddy said 'What happened to your bones? They were orange when I saw them in the sky.' She found her bones at a museum with a kookie slide. Oh wait, I skipped a page. So she found her bones and then she looked for her dream where she was princess. The end."

Viv: "When I hatched out of my egg, was I little?
Me: "What? Honey, remember we talked about how people-babies grow in their mommy's tummies until they are ready to be born."
Viv: "Oh. And *then* they hatch out of their eggs?"

Me: "Viv, Cinderella;s stepsisters are named Drizella and.... what is the name of the other one?"
Viv: "Latisha"

Viv: "How's the apples get mashed?" (applesauce)
Me: "It gets cooked and mashed in the kitchen at an applesauce factory."
Viv: "Who mashes up the milk?"
Me: "No one honey, milk comes from cows."
Viv: "It comes from a COW?! Does he mash it up, like, in his bum?!"

(As I arrived home):
Viv: "Hi mommy, can we play?"
Me: "What should we play?"
Viv: "Castle!"
Me: "Okay, I just need to change into some sweatpants or something first."
Viv: "How about something more princessy?"
Me: "What, like Lululemon?"
Viv: "is she a princess?"

Viv: "Why those boys have that doggie?"
Me: "Well, I think they own him honey."
Viv: "What's 'own' mean?"
Me: "You know how we have kitty cat? Well, that means they have doggie."
Viv: "AND we have a daddy!"

"What's a 'tough noogies'?"

Ahhh, I look forward to many more smile-worthy moments :)

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